I had to go downtown today for an interview for a really great job I'm hoping I'll get, but after my interview opener I'm thinking I'm not going to get a call back from them. Now I did everything I was supposed to do and made sure I looked my most professional, had several copies of my resume and references, and left way earlier than necessary to ensure I would arrive fifteen minutes early to my interview. I found parking right away, and quickly figured out where the suite was.
Now, I've developed a bit of a claustrophobia problem over the years. I'm not sure what caused it or how I could possibly be afraid of being in small spaces, but I am and I notice myself beginning to panic whenever I'm in smaller or overly crowded areas. Elevators are one place that causes this anxiety. I'm not one of those people who starts climbing the walls and screaming, "let me out," while running around like a mad person, but I do feel a bit of anxiety whenever I step into those death traps and try to take the stairs whenever I can.
There were no stairs in the building I was in today (other than the fire escape stairs), so I got into the elevator and pushed the second floor button. The doors closed behind me, and I waited to be taken up to the second floor. And waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing. I figure the elevator must be broken, and press the button to open the door so I could find another elevator to take. Nothing happened. I pushed the door open button again. Nothing. After the 15th time I push the button I completely lose control. Instant panic sets in and I start sweating, my fingers are numb as I push every single button praying one of them will work. I can feel my face go numb from breathing too hard when all of my attempts to make this death trap do something fail. So I did the only other thing I could think to do. I start pounding on the door as hard as I can and yelling for someone to help. I try prying the doors apart. Nothing. No movement. No heroic rescue. No super act of strength to escape the damn thing. I'm about ready to climb on the handrails and shimmy out through a light fixture into the elevator shaft like they do on spy movies when my minuscule amount of logic sets in and I push the assistance button.
I stand and wait, hoping someone will answer. No one does, and I become convinced the devil is in the elevator waiting to get me just like in that one movie where five people are killed off one by one by Satan in a jammed elevator. I push it again. And again. And again. Silence. As soon as I say screw it and lift my foot to step on the handrail, the most beautiful, crackling static voice I've ever heard comes on.
"Can I help you?"
My voice comes out so fast and frantic the guy doesn't understand what the hell I said so I repeat myself. "Oh God yes! Please help me I'm trapped in this elevator and I'm going to climb out like a karate ninja cat in two seconds if I can't escape!"
"I'm sorry, did you say there's a cat trapped in the elevator?"
"No, I'm a cat trapped in the elevator." (This is what happens when you panic. You say idiot things like you're a cat in an elevator.)
"I'm sorry, your cat is trapped in the elevator?"
"No! There is no cat! I'm trapped in the elevator! Please have someone let me out."
"So there is no cat?"
"No! I'm trapped. Please come help me."
"Did you press the button for the floor you needed?"
"Yes. Nothing happened."
"Did you press the open door button?"
"Yes. It didn't work. The elevator isn't going anywhere and the door won't open."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes I'm sure. I know how to push buttons."
"Are you in the X lobby elevator?"
"Yes."
"That elevator is broken."
(Thank you, genius.) "Yes I know, that's why I'm trapped in here now."
"Why did you go in there in the first place?"
"There was no sign to say it was broken and the door opened."
"You shouldn't have gone in there. That elevator is broken."
(The beautiful, crackling static voice is no longer the sweetest voice I've ever heard. It's now the dumbest. But at least my irritation is superseding my panic, so I guess it was a good thing Forest Gump was on duty today) "I know its broken. I know that! There was no sign and now I'm stuck in here. Can you send someone to open the door?"
"Maintenance isn't scheduled to come until Thursday." (It's Monday today.)
"Okay, so how does that help me now?"
"Come back on Thursday when the elevator is in service."
"Are you kidding me? Did you not hear me say-"
And then the door opens. There's an older man in a business suite staring back at me from the lobby as crackling static voice asks me to repeat what I said. Older guy in a business suite gives me an odd look as I pick up my folder full of resumes and block him from coming into the elevator.
"The elevator is broken. You'll get trapped in there."
"Oh really," older suite guy says. "Why don't they have a sign on the door then?"
"I don't know. Can you point me to the stairs please?"
He does. After 17 minutes of being trapped in the elevator, I make it to my interview with five minutes to spare. My face is pale, I'm sweaty, and I'm sure my eyes look like a bush baby's because when the interviewer saw me she kind of frowned and gave me a weird look. I told her the elevator door malfunctioned and I was stuck in there for a few minutes with no air conditioner. She just goes, "hmm," and we begin the actual interview, which went really great except for the fact that I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm the biggest idiot in the world.
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